A “Weighty” Subject – Part Three

Hello again! Tonight’s post might be a bit hard to read, if you’ve experienced loss. It was very hard to write.

Catch up with our chubby-chase here:

 A “Weighty” Subject – Part One
A “Weighty” Subject – Part Two

How many of you are battling with an ED that was triggered by loss?

My past triggers include mom’s death, getting dumped, stress, fear, depression, and failure.
AMONG OTHERS.

So catching up to where we last left off, in the month following my mother’s death, I gained 30 pounds.

THIRTY POUNDS!!?
Who is this superwoman, supereater??!

Allow me to explain to you why it was so easy to gain that much weight, that quickly.
Because of my obesity just a few years before, my body was incredibly capable and GREAT at packing on the pounds.

Pretty fantastic, basically.

To this day, I can gain weight with the best of them.
Seriously.

Anyways.

The month after my mom died, I may have lost it.
Okay, I totally did.
I got a trainer, a new diet, and a crush on a new guy.

I lost 40 pounds. I got a tan. I enrolled in college again. I kept my car clean.
I was on top of the world.
Nevermind that I felt like an orphan.

THE DOG DAYS.

In June of that year (2006), I hit a wall.
The aching finally caught up with me in a very real and dark way.

I began battling a cloud of depression that was bigger and deeper than I ever thought possible.
I can remember days when I would cry the entire drive to work. I would sleep under a desk in an empty office at my job, during my lunch break.
I would cry my entire drive back home.

I would get home from work, eat about two or three thousand calories, and go to sleep when it was still light out.
Sleep was my only way out. It was such a relief that I didn’t have to feel.

My amazing weight-gaining ability showed up again, and I gained most of that 40 pounds back. Again.
My body felt awful.
But my heart felt worse.

Have you ever had that sick feeling in your stomach?
Where your heart drops into your belly, and you get scared?

Abandonment.
Rejection.
Fear.
Disgrace.
Shame.
Dissapointment.
Loss.
Failure.
Hopelessness.

During the dog days, all of the above thoughts were my constant companion.
It was so dark. So awful.
It is still so hard to think about that time, even now, five years later.

Someone told me once that statistically, grief peaks at 3, 6, 12, and 18 months.
If that statistic is correct, then I was right on track.

You’re probably thinking, “Geez, she probably should have been on medication!”
Aaaannnnd, you’re right. I should have been.

My medication was a carton of Blue Bell, and a too-long nap.

And then, as suddenly as it came, it left.
God saved me. I know that.

I remember the exact moment that he lifted the despair from my heart.
I have never been able to fully express the freedom I felt in my heart the day that God took away my pain.

At the time, I had no idea that this was just the beginning of something beautiful that God would do in my life.
But even during the making of a beautiful story, there are lessons.

To Be Continued…

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Comments
4 Responses to “A “Weighty” Subject – Part Three”
  1. Gina says:

    I am glad God saved you and refined you into an amazing lady! Depression got the best of me – finances, over indulgence, and submerssion into what I thought would make it go away, or ease it, yet none did BUT the Almighty power of G-O-D

  2. Renee says:

    Lindsey,

    “God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good”

    You are amazing, thank you for sharing this powerful message of faith!

  3. Kristie Pope-Dunn says:

    Oh, friend. Tears again. Loss is so hard – so hard to understand, so hard to endure. You are such a beautiful creature. I’m so grateful for your faith and that God was able to call your name in those “dog days,” and He rescued you, as He has us all. What a testimony you have, a treasure to share. The more I “get to know you,” the more I respect you and value your smile. Thank you for sharing all that you’ve shared on here. I look forward to many more visits, many more smiles, and welcome any tears, should they ever need to flow again. I feel that you’d do the same for me, and you probably will. A friendship is a treasure, and I am grateful to have hopefully found a great one here. 🙂 Here’s to many more!

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